It's been a weird month. I was struggling at the beginning of the month with things and on the full moon October 1st, I asked for clarity. Of course, when I did that, I figured things would get funky, and they did.
I mentioned a couple of posts back that I started a new gig as an Associate producer for an Amazon Prime docu-series. I was so stoked. My adrenaline was running high 24/7, I wasn't sleeping, I stopped everything I had been working on in my business, ie: website, courses and book to focus on it. I was clear that it was the right things to do. This was the beginning of a new path for me. I just knew it. But by Oct 1, I started feeling unsettled about it. Things were feeling really unbalanced and no matter how much energy work I did on myself or how much I meditated, I still felt bad. And then the headaches returned. I had two in one week. I feel into depression. The things that had given me so much energy was now taking it from me. I was connected to so many people on a daily basis that my energy system couldn't keep up. I had no time to recharge.
I started getting the message... I needed to step down from all of it all together. WHAT?! Over and over again I got the message, and I didn't want to listen. That's when my health started going downhill. My soul wasn't messing around. I needed to get back to my core mission and my soul was hell-bent on getting me there. But it wasn't until a near serious car accident that I decided I had better decide. It was a near miss and next time wouldn't be... was I ready to listen??
I had to step down and pull out of the show all together.
I have always felt that being part of something like this was on my path, but here I was stepping out of something I had wanted soooo bad for sooo long. It hurt. It made me sad. I felt like a failure. I tried to move on right away but I couldn't focus on my book, nor did I want to. It wasn't until I was doing a therapy video on myself and talking it out that I realized I was mourning the loss of a dream, and mourning takes time. I had to give myself the grace of that and go through the humanness.
The funny thing was that as soon as I gave myself the permission to do that, it was pretty much over within a day. I started to see all of the things that I had learned from it and that allowed the gratitude to come in like a big ray of sunshine. I was actually wowed by how far I had come on the journey with my confidence in talking to people I didn't know, as well as talking to people I had admired from afar for a really long time. It was kind of crazy. I was cold calling people and I was actually excited about it. Weird.
In addition to that, for some reason, gaining all of that confidence caused a lot of old traumas to bubble up so that I had to work on releasing them. Nothing is ever free, is it? But I couldn't be more grateful for the whole experience and I wouldn't trade it. I made some amazing connections and learned a ton about myself. I'll probably write a better book because of it too.
So, if you get inspired to do something and you run out of steam part way into it, maybe the journey is just not meant to be seen all the way through, and that's ok. You aren't a failure and you aren't a flake. It just means your soul is a fast learner and you have bigger things to do.
When life gives you lemonade, you may not be meant to drink the whole glass. There may be enough zing in a sip to give you everything you need to move on.