It's been a weird couple of weeks. Our apartment lease expired during the quarantine and we decided that instead of renewing we were moving. They were increasing our rent and we were tired of the place. Luckily, Uhaul was considered an essential business, so we could get a trailer and move all of our things even though the world was on pause.
We had been wanting to move for quite a while. I had not lived in a house for 4 years and was looking forward to being able to walk outside or opening the window to see the neighbor across the way doing yoga on her balcony in short shorts. Not that there's anything wrong with yoga or short shorts, but I really would like to see something else when I open my window, like grass and trees. And my husband wanted a garage. He was going a little crazy with nothing to do.
We found a place close to where our apartment was that was perfect. A quiet little neighborhood with big trees...and grass. That I could see out my window. Bye-bye yoga girl.
The first night we slept there was amazing. I slept so well. Better than I had in a really long time. It was quiet. Not just no-neighbors-stomping-over-our-heads quiet, but quiet energetically. I didn't realize how much the other people's energy around us was encroaching in our space. Not to mention it was on the third floor which made grounding more difficult. I was continually battling keeping my space energetically quiet and clean without even realizing it. No wonder it was hard to focus there and get any work done.
After we moved, we still had a couple of weeks until our lease was up. In fine procrastination style, we waited until the last minute to clean the apartment and get all of the trash out of it. It took us several days of going over a little at a time and cleaning it. It became a ritual for about a week. And then one day we were finished. I expected to feel accomplished. Satisfied. Glad. But I felt something else entirely.
As I closed the door that last time, my heart hurt. I felt this sadness I couldn't explain. What was wrong with me? Why wasn't I just happy to be done with the place?
I carried it around for a couple of days before I could talk it out. It didn't make any sense to me why I couldn't shake that feeling. I felt like I lost something leaving there; like I left something behind, and I did.
When I moved into that apartment, I had my kids part-time. Then overnight, I was a full-time parent again. I got them back in my life every day after them splitting time between two places for 6 years. I was happy. But they were older. Not the same little guys who needed me to tuck them in. 17 and 19 aren't exactly babies anymore. But here we all were, living together again.
I was living with two young men, and my husband. A three-bedroom apartment gets small in a hurry with 3 people over 6 ft tall living in it (I'm under 6ft, but with me it's 4 people). We made the best of it though. After a while, my oldest son moved out. Now my youngest is about to be a Senior.
After running that through in my mind, I realized that as I closed that door I was entering a new stage in my life. I no longer had to be this stressed-out mom who worries about her kids. They were no longer front and center in my thoughts. I could focus on building my career, friends, and travel. I could focus on myself and my life for a change. They just didn't need me like that anymore. And I was sad. That part of my life was over. But shouldn't I be excited instead? No. I needed time to grieve it. I lost something. In time, I know I will have gained so much more and my boys will go on to lead lives of their own. I know that everything I had taught them will show up just when they need it and they will use it how they see fit.
So now, I turn my sights to the future and what that looks like for me. I'm starting to get excited about things here and there; I planted a small garden and we got a fire pit and a bird feeder. And...I'm writing a book! I'm about halfway done with it already. It's only been a couple of weeks but I can think here. The energy is still, and it is time to share what I know with the world.
If you find yourself in the throes of change right now, take heart. It's ok to grieve. That's what makes us human. Emotions are meant to be felt and let go, then new ones come in to take their place. Life is not a static thing, ever. Give yourself time if you need it. The Universe is waiting with an outstretched hand when you are ready to take it and move on to the next step. But it will wait for you as long as you need it to.